Moving from Sexual Shame to Sexual Health

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By Jennifer White, LCSW, CST

Understanding Sexual Shame

Sexual shame is a deeply ingrained experience that affects both individuals and relationships. Dr. Noel Clark defines it as:

“Sexual shame is a visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust toward one’s own body and identity as a sexual being and a belief of being abnormal, inferior, and unworthy. This feeling can be internalized but also manifests in interpersonal relationships, having a negative impact on trust, communication, and physical and emotional intimacy. Sexual shame develops across the lifespan through interactions with relationships, culture, society, and critical self-appraisal. There is also a fear and uncertainty related to one’s power or right to make decisions, including safety decisions, regarding sexual encounters, along with an internalized judgment toward one’s own sexual desire.”
—Dr. Noel Clark, Seattle Pacific University, 2017

How Sexual Shame Develops

In my work with clients, sexual shame frequently emerges as a significant barrier to sexual health. Understanding its roots helps dismantle the outdated barriers that hinder our well-being. Sexual shame can stem from various sources, including:

  • Sexual silence or avoidance in families and communities
  • Direct experiences of being shamed for sexual feelings or behaviors
  • Misinformation or lack of accurate sexual education
  • Harmful or traumatic sexual experiences
  • The abuse of power in reinforcing shame around normal sexual responses

This issue extends beyond religious communities—American society as a whole struggles with comprehensive sex education. Currently, only 13 states require sex education to be medically accurate. Many people grow up in households where sex is never discussed, sending implicit messages that can shape their attitudes well into adulthood, often impacting their relationships and marriages.

Moving Toward Sexual Health

We can actively work to manage and heal from sexual shame. Here’s how:

  • Name It – Acknowledge and identify the shame for what it is.
  • Examine Your Sexual Education – Ask yourself: What messages did I receive? Which were helpful, and which were harmful?
  • Seek Updated, Accurate Information – Replace outdated or shame-based beliefs with medically accurate, affirming knowledge.
  • Reframe Negative Messages – Keep what serves you and rewrite what doesn’t.
  • Work with a Qualified Therapist – A trained professional can help you develop a healthier perspective on sexuality and relationships.

Because ultimately, shame is just bad design.

Creating a New Framework

Instead of operating within a structure built on shame and misinformation, we can construct a new model for sexual health—one built on truth, respect, and self-acceptance. With a solid foundation of accurate information, you can then furnish and personalize your understanding of sexuality in a way that aligns with your values and desires.

The World Health Organization (2006) defines sexual health as:

“A state of physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction, or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive, respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected, and fulfilled.”

By actively challenging sexual shame and embracing sexual health, we can move toward more fulfilling, connected, and empowered relationships—with ourselves and others.